...the light! it burns...!
Jan. 12th, 2005 08:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lavandarlizard2How novel; a day of blue skies. I wonder how long it'll last...?
This partlet is a little longer...
BFB - 086d - Strange Days IV
A soft knock on my door roused me from my doze. I pushed myself up from my pillow to call hoarsely, “Who is it?”
“Q,” replied my friend.
“Come on in; it’s not locked,” I called. I flopped back down into the bedclothes; it didn’t matter if Q saw me like this.
The blond Wizard appeared beside the bed and I had to blink. I couldn’t remember ever seeing Q in full magical drag, yet here he was, tricked out in robe, cloak and tall pointed hat.
“Special occasion?” I wondered, attempting a smile.
Q lifted one eyebrow in an elegant shrug. “I have a meeting and I want to intimidate.”
“Take Heero along; he’s good at that.”
“Mmm… Maybe a little too good in this case.” He drew up a chair and perched on the edge of the seat. “Duo,” he began, getting right to the point, “Dr French has the results of the tests. She would like to explain them to you. Do you feel up to it?”
Oh…shit.
I’d almost managed to forget about that.
What a lovely choice. Did I want to be a rape victim or a cold-blooded murderer? Decisions, decisions...
I was wimpishly glad that Heero wasn’t here. I kind of expected that I would not acquit myself with any sort of decorum just now, and I really didn’t want him to see me falling apart again.
I’d practically pushed him out the door that morning to go to the office. I’m getting better; the drugs are washing out of my system slowly but surely. Yeah, I’m still ridiculously tired and I still hurt in places I’d rather not think about, but I’m dealing. And yes, I had a bad day yesterday when I talked to Teal. I spent the better part of that afternoon either asleep or crying for no good reason that I can find, except that I just couldn’t turn it off. Gods, maybe if I just cry and cry and cry, the drugs will *finally* get out of me! It pisses me off to no end that I have no control. That’s another thing about Julie’s betrayal that just nags at me.
Mistress Loquinn explained to me that she dare not try any of the usual healing potions until the drugs are completely gone, so I’m... dealing. Much as I enjoy being cuddled and held, I am not made of glass; I can spend a day alone without dissolving into a quivering puddle of misery. Besides, if I’m not crying like a damn waterfall, I’m sleeping. There’s no reason for Heero to sit here watching me sleep. And there’s nothing he can do for the bloody crying. The nightmare has become almost familiar. I mostly wake up startled now instead of screaming. I can walk to the bathroom without help. There is a cute little refrigerator tucked under my table, filled with tempting goodies. And that little episode of shared laughter, mostly at Wufei’s expense, helped me start pulling the shreds together again. I’m still wobbly, still a little disoriented, but it’s getting better.
Or was, until I had to think about Dr French and her tests. That started me shaking for some stupid reason. Q put his hand on my shoulder, rubbing lightly, and I felt better.
“I guess so…” Well, didn’t that sound decisive?
“She has to turn the results over to the sheriff’s office, Duo, but she wanted you to hear it from her personally, in case you have questions. If you’re up to it.”
I swallowed and reminded myself that I can take care of myself; I am not a helpless wuss. Not normally, anyway.
“Okay,” I said before I could change my mind. “Give me a few minutes to put some clothes on.”
“You needn’t dress up for her,” he suggested kindly. “She is a doctor.”
My face got hot and I’m sure it was a very colorful heat. “I’d just feel better if I was dressed,” I muttered.
“All right, Duo,” he said gently. “I’ll get her. Fifteen minutes?”
“Yeah… That should be good.”
I didn’t just get dressed. I coiled my hair up on top of my head and took a quick shower. Then I combed out and rebraided my hair, pulled on a pair of jeans – noting that they were a damn sight looser now than last week – and a cotton sweater. I was just straightening the sleeves when Q knocked on the door again.
Dr French was also in full drag. I wondered if Q’s meeting involved the sheriff’s department. I didn’t really want to go there, though, so I just kept my mouth shut.
I sat in the chair in front of the French doors, letting Q and Dr French take the loveseat. Any weird things my face might do would be less apparent with the light behind me.
That would be why it took me a few seconds to register the sudden look of startlement on Dr French’s face just as she opened her mouth to begin. I glanced over my shoulder to find Heero reaching for the French doors; he must have landed on the balcony. He’s done that before, gone flying for whatever reason and landed on my balcony like some monstrous pigeon looking for a handout, scratching on the doorframe to be let in. This time the doors weren’t locked.
“Heero,” said Q easily. “You’re just in time.”
My scary lover glared, first at Q, then at Dr French. Then he turned the modified version on me. It said plain as words, ‘why did you not call me?’ Since the only answer I could muster would be ‘because I’m embarrassed,’ I didn’t bother saying anything.
“I’m glad,” he growled, seating himself beside me on the arm of the chair. “Good day, Dr French,” he managed politely.
The Witch doctor was not fazed in the least by his glare.
“Good day, Mr Yuy. I’m glad you were able to join us.”
Heero snorted and just waited.
Dr French gave him a narrow-eyed look. “Lovely.” She turned her attention to me. “I have mixed news, Duo.”
I tried my best not to react; to wait for the actual news, not the news about the news.
“We were able to match DNA to… to the person at the cabin. You were indeed assaulted.”
I went cold. Icy, frozen, glacier-cold. My vision fluttered, then stabilized. The cold seemed to be muffling sound; I could barely hear her.
So, I am officially a Victim. I was raped. I killed him in self-defense. Wow. Yippee. Good thing.
He… he had me… while I was drugged unconscious. He hurt me and I hurt him back…
I shuddered. Heero wrapped his arm around me pulling me against his side. He may have said something… I was kind of busy watching the silent videos playing on the inside of my skull… Oh, look… Ferret-face is unzipping my jeans… and he’s sticking his hand down my pants… and… and… I’m screaming…
“Duo!”
I heard that voice; I tried to answer, really I did, but I was just too mesmerized by the snuff film in my head.
The weasel was right there, in my face. And then... he wasn’t. And I hurt.
“*Duo!*”
Something smacked my face and I gasped. My vision refocused on three very upset-looking people.
“Goddess, Duo!” Heero exclaimed with relief. He let go of my arms. He must have shaken me as well, I realised; I felt a little unsettled, a little ruffled.
“Um... Sorry about that,” I mumbled. “Lost the thread for a minute.” I looked at the doctor. “What were you saying?”
“Duo!” said Heero again, and I looked at him.
“What?” Damn; there was enough free-floating anxiety in the room to support a Paxil factory.
Heero just stared at me; he had the *oddest* expression... Q said gently, “Duo, you were... ‘lost’ for a good bit more than a ‘minute.’”
Heero had wrapped me in his arms again; I murmured against his chest, “Sorry. I’m okay. Really.” I am such a liar...
“Baby...” he breathed in my ear. He proceeded to raise *my* anxiety level by nibbling at my earlobe. “You... you scared me...”
“But I’m back now,” I began tentatively. And to the doctor, “Please continue.”
~~Please, please tell me something that won’t turn my stomach.~~
The woman tried, I have to give her that. Of course, she didn’t have a whole lot to work with.
“Um...” Dr French regarded me warily for another moment and then looked back at the papers in her hand. I wondered idly which part was supposed to be the good news, because she seemed to be having trouble with all of this.
“Would you like me to... to explain, Doctor?” Q murmured. He didn’t look that eager to help; more like just being polite and hoping she wouldn’t take him up on it. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get my wish.
“No, thank you, Q,” she said firmly. “This is my job.” She straightened and spoke directly to me.
“Duo, are you familiar with the sexual practice known as ‘fisting’?”
I blinked. “Sort of...” I admitted. Yeah, I’d heard of it, but mostly third or fourth hand. No one I knew had ever actually done that; it didn’t sound all that much fun to me, and I wasn’t up for stuff that wasn’t fun. Forceful or commanding I don’t mind; Heero is very much both of those things, but I don’t want someone to hurt me. I’ve always stayed firmly on the ‘pleasure’ side of that line.
Dr French had apparently borrowed my spontaneous combustion trick. She drew a deep breath and finished rapidly, “We think that’s what he did to you. We have the DNA and the internal damage to prove it, so the detectives will just have to back off!”
Oh... So that’s why I hurt so much... Why I still hurt...
Q made a very un-Q-like sound. Heero snarled above my head. The doctor... looked outraged.
I’m not sure how I felt. I mean, now I knew what it took for me to kill someone in self-defense. I knew what it felt like to be raped. Beyond that, I just... wondered. I wondered if that would be considered rape with a foreign object. I wondered what she meant by ‘damage.’ I... I wondered if he washed his hands first...
I wondered why I wasn’t falling apart. I wondered how many people knew. I wondered why me? Oh, I *really* wondered about that...
And I wondered if Heero’s grip on me would break my ribs or just bend them...
“Okay,” I said after some time had passed. Couldn’t even give you a guess as to how much time. The others were quite nice this time about letting me process the mess without interruption. “Okay. Thank you, Dr French, for telling me personally...” Damn, they were all looking at me strangely. “I... Um... I really feel like I need to lie down for a while...” I couldn’t move until Heero let go of me; obviously, that wasn’t going to happen in this lifetime. “Heero... please?”
“Duo... angel,” he breathed. “Please...”
“You-you need to get back to the office,” I tried. “I’ll be fine; I just need to lie down and rest...”
“I am not leaving you.”
“Heero...”
“I AM NOT LEAVING YOU!”
Both Q and Dr French jumped at that thunderous declaration. I froze. Instinct says that when a predator shows up, become one with the landscaping and maybe he’ll pass on by. Right.
I reared up on my hind legs, figuratively speaking, and snapped back. “I’m only going to lie down, dammit! I’m not fucking suicidal! I just wanna *think*! *Alone*!”
Apparently, bringing up the ‘S’ word was a... not really smart thing.
Heero roared. Only word for it. A wave of something – panic, maybe – washed over me and I tried to get away from him. He wouldn’t let me go. I struggled; he held onto me with that impossible strength of his.
Voices were raised, but I couldn’t focus on the words. I had to get *away*!
“Let me go!” I shrieked, twisting and flailing wildly. “Goddess, let *go* of me!”
And for an instant, I saw Ferret–face and felt his filthy hands wandering over my body. I screamed. And then things got really confused.
Man, I really wish I could just wake up normal again.
...tbc...
This partlet is a little longer...
BFB - 086d - Strange Days IV
A soft knock on my door roused me from my doze. I pushed myself up from my pillow to call hoarsely, “Who is it?”
“Q,” replied my friend.
“Come on in; it’s not locked,” I called. I flopped back down into the bedclothes; it didn’t matter if Q saw me like this.
The blond Wizard appeared beside the bed and I had to blink. I couldn’t remember ever seeing Q in full magical drag, yet here he was, tricked out in robe, cloak and tall pointed hat.
“Special occasion?” I wondered, attempting a smile.
Q lifted one eyebrow in an elegant shrug. “I have a meeting and I want to intimidate.”
“Take Heero along; he’s good at that.”
“Mmm… Maybe a little too good in this case.” He drew up a chair and perched on the edge of the seat. “Duo,” he began, getting right to the point, “Dr French has the results of the tests. She would like to explain them to you. Do you feel up to it?”
Oh…shit.
I’d almost managed to forget about that.
What a lovely choice. Did I want to be a rape victim or a cold-blooded murderer? Decisions, decisions...
I was wimpishly glad that Heero wasn’t here. I kind of expected that I would not acquit myself with any sort of decorum just now, and I really didn’t want him to see me falling apart again.
I’d practically pushed him out the door that morning to go to the office. I’m getting better; the drugs are washing out of my system slowly but surely. Yeah, I’m still ridiculously tired and I still hurt in places I’d rather not think about, but I’m dealing. And yes, I had a bad day yesterday when I talked to Teal. I spent the better part of that afternoon either asleep or crying for no good reason that I can find, except that I just couldn’t turn it off. Gods, maybe if I just cry and cry and cry, the drugs will *finally* get out of me! It pisses me off to no end that I have no control. That’s another thing about Julie’s betrayal that just nags at me.
Mistress Loquinn explained to me that she dare not try any of the usual healing potions until the drugs are completely gone, so I’m... dealing. Much as I enjoy being cuddled and held, I am not made of glass; I can spend a day alone without dissolving into a quivering puddle of misery. Besides, if I’m not crying like a damn waterfall, I’m sleeping. There’s no reason for Heero to sit here watching me sleep. And there’s nothing he can do for the bloody crying. The nightmare has become almost familiar. I mostly wake up startled now instead of screaming. I can walk to the bathroom without help. There is a cute little refrigerator tucked under my table, filled with tempting goodies. And that little episode of shared laughter, mostly at Wufei’s expense, helped me start pulling the shreds together again. I’m still wobbly, still a little disoriented, but it’s getting better.
Or was, until I had to think about Dr French and her tests. That started me shaking for some stupid reason. Q put his hand on my shoulder, rubbing lightly, and I felt better.
“I guess so…” Well, didn’t that sound decisive?
“She has to turn the results over to the sheriff’s office, Duo, but she wanted you to hear it from her personally, in case you have questions. If you’re up to it.”
I swallowed and reminded myself that I can take care of myself; I am not a helpless wuss. Not normally, anyway.
“Okay,” I said before I could change my mind. “Give me a few minutes to put some clothes on.”
“You needn’t dress up for her,” he suggested kindly. “She is a doctor.”
My face got hot and I’m sure it was a very colorful heat. “I’d just feel better if I was dressed,” I muttered.
“All right, Duo,” he said gently. “I’ll get her. Fifteen minutes?”
“Yeah… That should be good.”
I didn’t just get dressed. I coiled my hair up on top of my head and took a quick shower. Then I combed out and rebraided my hair, pulled on a pair of jeans – noting that they were a damn sight looser now than last week – and a cotton sweater. I was just straightening the sleeves when Q knocked on the door again.
Dr French was also in full drag. I wondered if Q’s meeting involved the sheriff’s department. I didn’t really want to go there, though, so I just kept my mouth shut.
I sat in the chair in front of the French doors, letting Q and Dr French take the loveseat. Any weird things my face might do would be less apparent with the light behind me.
That would be why it took me a few seconds to register the sudden look of startlement on Dr French’s face just as she opened her mouth to begin. I glanced over my shoulder to find Heero reaching for the French doors; he must have landed on the balcony. He’s done that before, gone flying for whatever reason and landed on my balcony like some monstrous pigeon looking for a handout, scratching on the doorframe to be let in. This time the doors weren’t locked.
“Heero,” said Q easily. “You’re just in time.”
My scary lover glared, first at Q, then at Dr French. Then he turned the modified version on me. It said plain as words, ‘why did you not call me?’ Since the only answer I could muster would be ‘because I’m embarrassed,’ I didn’t bother saying anything.
“I’m glad,” he growled, seating himself beside me on the arm of the chair. “Good day, Dr French,” he managed politely.
The Witch doctor was not fazed in the least by his glare.
“Good day, Mr Yuy. I’m glad you were able to join us.”
Heero snorted and just waited.
Dr French gave him a narrow-eyed look. “Lovely.” She turned her attention to me. “I have mixed news, Duo.”
I tried my best not to react; to wait for the actual news, not the news about the news.
“We were able to match DNA to… to the person at the cabin. You were indeed assaulted.”
I went cold. Icy, frozen, glacier-cold. My vision fluttered, then stabilized. The cold seemed to be muffling sound; I could barely hear her.
So, I am officially a Victim. I was raped. I killed him in self-defense. Wow. Yippee. Good thing.
He… he had me… while I was drugged unconscious. He hurt me and I hurt him back…
I shuddered. Heero wrapped his arm around me pulling me against his side. He may have said something… I was kind of busy watching the silent videos playing on the inside of my skull… Oh, look… Ferret-face is unzipping my jeans… and he’s sticking his hand down my pants… and… and… I’m screaming…
“Duo!”
I heard that voice; I tried to answer, really I did, but I was just too mesmerized by the snuff film in my head.
The weasel was right there, in my face. And then... he wasn’t. And I hurt.
“*Duo!*”
Something smacked my face and I gasped. My vision refocused on three very upset-looking people.
“Goddess, Duo!” Heero exclaimed with relief. He let go of my arms. He must have shaken me as well, I realised; I felt a little unsettled, a little ruffled.
“Um... Sorry about that,” I mumbled. “Lost the thread for a minute.” I looked at the doctor. “What were you saying?”
“Duo!” said Heero again, and I looked at him.
“What?” Damn; there was enough free-floating anxiety in the room to support a Paxil factory.
Heero just stared at me; he had the *oddest* expression... Q said gently, “Duo, you were... ‘lost’ for a good bit more than a ‘minute.’”
Heero had wrapped me in his arms again; I murmured against his chest, “Sorry. I’m okay. Really.” I am such a liar...
“Baby...” he breathed in my ear. He proceeded to raise *my* anxiety level by nibbling at my earlobe. “You... you scared me...”
“But I’m back now,” I began tentatively. And to the doctor, “Please continue.”
~~Please, please tell me something that won’t turn my stomach.~~
The woman tried, I have to give her that. Of course, she didn’t have a whole lot to work with.
“Um...” Dr French regarded me warily for another moment and then looked back at the papers in her hand. I wondered idly which part was supposed to be the good news, because she seemed to be having trouble with all of this.
“Would you like me to... to explain, Doctor?” Q murmured. He didn’t look that eager to help; more like just being polite and hoping she wouldn’t take him up on it. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get my wish.
“No, thank you, Q,” she said firmly. “This is my job.” She straightened and spoke directly to me.
“Duo, are you familiar with the sexual practice known as ‘fisting’?”
I blinked. “Sort of...” I admitted. Yeah, I’d heard of it, but mostly third or fourth hand. No one I knew had ever actually done that; it didn’t sound all that much fun to me, and I wasn’t up for stuff that wasn’t fun. Forceful or commanding I don’t mind; Heero is very much both of those things, but I don’t want someone to hurt me. I’ve always stayed firmly on the ‘pleasure’ side of that line.
Dr French had apparently borrowed my spontaneous combustion trick. She drew a deep breath and finished rapidly, “We think that’s what he did to you. We have the DNA and the internal damage to prove it, so the detectives will just have to back off!”
Oh... So that’s why I hurt so much... Why I still hurt...
Q made a very un-Q-like sound. Heero snarled above my head. The doctor... looked outraged.
I’m not sure how I felt. I mean, now I knew what it took for me to kill someone in self-defense. I knew what it felt like to be raped. Beyond that, I just... wondered. I wondered if that would be considered rape with a foreign object. I wondered what she meant by ‘damage.’ I... I wondered if he washed his hands first...
I wondered why I wasn’t falling apart. I wondered how many people knew. I wondered why me? Oh, I *really* wondered about that...
And I wondered if Heero’s grip on me would break my ribs or just bend them...
“Okay,” I said after some time had passed. Couldn’t even give you a guess as to how much time. The others were quite nice this time about letting me process the mess without interruption. “Okay. Thank you, Dr French, for telling me personally...” Damn, they were all looking at me strangely. “I... Um... I really feel like I need to lie down for a while...” I couldn’t move until Heero let go of me; obviously, that wasn’t going to happen in this lifetime. “Heero... please?”
“Duo... angel,” he breathed. “Please...”
“You-you need to get back to the office,” I tried. “I’ll be fine; I just need to lie down and rest...”
“I am not leaving you.”
“Heero...”
“I AM NOT LEAVING YOU!”
Both Q and Dr French jumped at that thunderous declaration. I froze. Instinct says that when a predator shows up, become one with the landscaping and maybe he’ll pass on by. Right.
I reared up on my hind legs, figuratively speaking, and snapped back. “I’m only going to lie down, dammit! I’m not fucking suicidal! I just wanna *think*! *Alone*!”
Apparently, bringing up the ‘S’ word was a... not really smart thing.
Heero roared. Only word for it. A wave of something – panic, maybe – washed over me and I tried to get away from him. He wouldn’t let me go. I struggled; he held onto me with that impossible strength of his.
Voices were raised, but I couldn’t focus on the words. I had to get *away*!
“Let me go!” I shrieked, twisting and flailing wildly. “Goddess, let *go* of me!”
And for an instant, I saw Ferret–face and felt his filthy hands wandering over my body. I screamed. And then things got really confused.
Man, I really wish I could just wake up normal again.
...tbc...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-01-13 05:29 am (UTC)wow, fisting. of all sexual fetishes, i sure didnt see this one coming up. you just dont see it in fiction very much, specially this kind. well, that was certainly shocking. though im honestly glad it wasnt rape, i think rape-rape, psycologically would be worse.
anyway. cant wait for the next chappy. do hurry
-TCM
no subject
Date: 2005-01-14 02:54 am (UTC)