Yeah, this is why I always laugh when people rhapsodize about how wonderful little children are. Small children are uncivilized little barbarians and best avoided until they do become civilized. >.< Too bad a lot of parents seem to follow the 'let them be' school of child-rearing.
If your friends blanch and their eyes start bouncing around the room whenever you mention your kids, you are harboring barbarians, and you need to fix that. ^___^
I had to put off reading this 'til I had time, and I'm really glad I did. I love H&1/2. Here's the comment I left there:
Oh gods, this could only be absolutely true. It reminds me of the time the little kids on my street -- about 8 of them -- got me to play with them on a warm summer evening. I was, oh, 14 years old or so. We were playing on one of the parents' front lawn, and all the parents were out there with their beers and cigarettes watching us.
"Tag" devolved quickly to them pulling me down on the ground, where they punched, bit, and generally mauled me while laughing hysterically. I started calling for help because I, like Benny, had a problem with hitting little kids, especially in front of their watching parents.
I was getting seriously hurt and totally freaked out, yet the parents, convinced that their little angels could not harm a fly, decided my increasingly panicked calls for help were "all in fun" and laughed it up. Four of the little freaks would take turns holding me down, while the other four would bite, punch, scratch, and tickle me. I tried with all my strength to get up and could not. Toward the end there I swear to you I was getting tunnel vision.
Finally, I saw little bodies flying every which-a-way as my mother came to my rescue. She had heard my cries 10 houses down the block and come to investigate. As she helped me to my feet (I was shaking and on the verge of crying at this point, though I wouldn't give the stupid parents the satisfaction,) she turned around and demanded to know why the other parents hadn't called off their little animals. They replied that they didn't think anything was wrong, and that I was just kidding around.
I nursed scratches and bruises for a week afterwards.
Frankly, I think the parents had some atavistic shit going on in their own psyches that day. I know I never spoke to them or their spawn again.
I sometimes think I was lucky to have spent my first ten years in a neighborhood of mostly-retired people. >_> Old people are a lot easier to escape from that hordes of five-year olds.
Sorry for such a downer anecdote. I was feeling kinda traumatized. I don't think the author actually expected her very funny story to set anyone off, jeez. D:
It's possible that that was the moment I swore off children completely, gods know.
I'm not surprised! O_O That would probably traumatize Dick Cheney. >_> Okay, maybe not him...
I've had the (terrified) pleasure of breaking up a few wild child attacks in my day... I lived aboard a military base for five years. A hose works well, since you really don't want to get close enough for them to attack you. Little vermin. >.<
The closest I've come is one 11 year old brat from church, who acts maybe 6, and at my friend's 18th party there was a friend of hers with her. They did the standard attacking thing girls do, but the 11 year old randomly pinched me all over my arms, felt like fire. Fortunately we were on a trampoline, because I pushed her away from me and down. Some tomfoolery goes on a church too, but nothing major, and I know I have to stop myself from clocking her, but fucking Hell. Some kids can be lovely, some can be a bit cheeky but manageable, but even sweet kids in a pack can be nasty, since their brains literally aren't developed enough to get past the everybody join in mentality. That's why it gets so bad, they get into the fun of it, and, well, yeah. If you're lucky though you can get the upper hand by getting the height advantage thing going and if you are seriously cross, and let them know, they'll get the message. If you panic then you're fucked. Still, some I'd just rather punt at their own parents' heads. Perhaps render them incapable of having more children. Being gay I'm not likely to have any of my own, but if I ever adopted it would be at least over the age of 8. Oh, if all else fails, just lightly bite them enough to get them to back off, and if their parents complain, tell them to fuck off while showing your own battle wounds. If there's a beer bottle handy then apply it or a few to some heads, the parents that is. I haven't actually bitten or hit a kid, yet, but it's a valid last resort. And I mean last resort. The kids are dumb, it's their parents' job to know better.
Small children are little savages; see Lord of the Flies. ^___^ I don't like large groups of people (more than three is a large group to me) so I am naturally wary of children in packs. It has always proved to be a successful strategy for me.
Son's best friend? Where did that come from? Thought at first I might have worded something funny, but can't find it. Leads me to guess that others have asked some less than innocent questions before. I avoid them, don't need to invite trouble where I don't want it. Anyway, best of luck with work and the story etc.
Popular style of parenting among my generation - "My kids and I are bestest friends!" >.< Uh... No. Their peers are their friends; their mom/dad should be a parent. *sigh* Friend parents tend to raise barbarians. ^___^
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2011-01-20 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-20 07:47 am (UTC)I really wonder if her parents were afraid of her. O.o Benny probably developed a life-long fear of women and/or children. *snork!*
no subject
Date: 2011-01-20 12:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-21 09:54 pm (UTC)Yeah, this is why I always laugh when people rhapsodize about how wonderful little children are. Small children are uncivilized little barbarians and best avoided until they do become civilized. >.< Too bad a lot of parents seem to follow the 'let them be' school of child-rearing.
If your friends blanch and their eyes start bouncing around the room whenever you mention your kids, you are harboring barbarians, and you need to fix that. ^___^
no subject
Date: 2011-01-20 06:26 pm (UTC)All true, sweartagod. D:
no subject
Date: 2011-01-21 09:57 pm (UTC)Oh. My. Sap. O_O;;; Damn!
I sometimes think I was lucky to have spent my first ten years in a neighborhood of mostly-retired people. >_> Old people are a lot easier to escape from that hordes of five-year olds.
Have you sworn off ever having kids? ^___~
no subject
Date: 2011-01-21 10:08 pm (UTC)It's possible that that was the moment I swore off children completely, gods know.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-21 10:13 pm (UTC)I'm not surprised! O_O That would probably traumatize Dick Cheney. >_> Okay, maybe not him...
I've had the (terrified) pleasure of breaking up a few wild child attacks in my day... I lived aboard a military base for five years. A hose works well, since you really don't want to get close enough for them to attack you. Little vermin. >.<
no subject
Date: 2011-01-21 01:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-21 09:59 pm (UTC)Or you pack a low-power stun gun. >_> And a bag of M&Ms to draw their attention while you go over the fence. ^__^
"BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!"
Date: 2011-01-22 09:48 am (UTC)looks around for 6 year olds*
Re: "BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!"
Date: 2011-01-22 07:41 pm (UTC)There's a reason I only have one kid. O.o It's called 'safety'. ^___^
Re: "BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!"
Date: 2011-01-24 06:36 am (UTC)Have I told you lately how awesome you are? :D
no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 08:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 07:25 pm (UTC)Small children are little savages; see Lord of the Flies. ^___^ I don't like large groups of people (more than three is a large group to me) so I am naturally wary of children in packs. It has always proved to be a successful strategy for me.
And no, I am not my son's 'best friend'. Ick. >.<
no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 09:42 pm (UTC)Popular style of parenting among my generation - "My kids and I are bestest friends!" >.< Uh... No. Their peers are their friends; their mom/dad should be a parent. *sigh* Friend parents tend to raise barbarians. ^___^
no subject
Date: 2011-02-05 08:48 am (UTC)